And What Her Mind Melts

jesuisperdu:

“Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.”

Once one becomes curiously studious about the affluence and literary devices in a theatrical text or performance, the same essayist critical observation is keen to dissect the sub-textual patterns and wonder of life.
I’ve experienced circumstances where the location, the subject matter, the execution of the events, and even the garments were so disturbingly poetic that I felt out of my own control and subject to some greater power.
Which does not go to say that I believe in any religious doctrine, but that I do believe that life can be entirely random and in some circumstances must not be because of the perfection of the moment; it is too far fetched to believe it was coincidence then to believe it was constructed.
During Into The Woods last term we I became mildly obsessive with Carl Jung and the collective unconscious; his work in psychology and sociology helped the thematic development of the show.
Jung quotes: “My thesis then, is as follows: in addition to our immediate consciousness, which is of a thoroughly personal nature and which we believe to be the only empirical psyche (even if we tack on the personal unconscious as an appendix), there exists a second psychic system of a collective, universal, and impersonal nature which is identical in all individuals. This collective unconscious does not develop individually but is inherited. It consists of pre-existent forms, the archetypes, which can only become conscious secondarily and which give definite form to certain psychic contents.”

And

“The collective unconscious - so far as we can say anything about it at all  - appears to consist of mythological motifs or primordial images, for which reason the myths of all nations are its real exponents. In fact, the whole of mythology could be taken as a sort of projection of the collective unconscious… We can therefore study the collective unconscious in two ways, either in mythology or in the analysis of the individual.” (From The Structure of the Psyche, CW 8, par. 325.)


Thoughts, which I believe, have direct correlations to voice work. They are subconscious shapes and representations that individuals feel great kinetic pull towards or emotional stimulation. Essentially he was depicting a synchronized soul that the world intrinsically bore. Going to instate that our ability to evolve not only occurs in practical physicality but also in our deepest subconscious.
To debunk any para normality, it justifies ‘reincarnation’, ‘de ja vu’, and any other divine or nondescript conscious encounters because it states we retain dormant emotional and intellectual memory that puppeter’s our conscious mind/desires/fears and perhaps dreams.
These archetypes include events: life/death/seperation from parents
Figures: mother/father/wise old man/apollo/God
And the five main ones which are
The Self: The uniqueness of the individual and the center of the person. Although archetypes (our relationship to them or lack of) cannot excited without the self and the self cannot exist without the archetypes.
The Shadow: Traits and truths burried deep within ourselves. In order to experience individuation one must have the strength to observe these deep Shadows but not fall victim to them, or let them become the self.
The Anima: Represents true feminine presence and energy. Allows a man to be in touch with a woman.
The Animus: Reverse of the anima.
The Persona: The mask we bare to the world that is not representational of the self, more as a defensive mechanism for the Ego.

Which are all archetypes I feel I have encountered  through the exploration of the voice work. I also believe they are forms we have been aware of for some time and realize we must deal with, but they are more or less represented by sensations or bold emotions.
Many people feel unique by their vague understanding of the relationship they carry with these sensations, both good and bad. I believe voice unifies us as we watch each other deal with the same archetypes. It helps alleviate a sense of judgement and fear, which is poisonous in a creative ensemble. It strengthens the ‘collective’ aspect of the collective unconscious.
What a powerful tool this is if one is to come to respect it. Within further psychological studying of this philosophy it can assist directors, artists enduring creative road blocks, ensembles working together.
When one is aware of the collective unconscious it is quite the organism to watch behave within gangs of people.

Perhaps those who are shocked by the voice work are in turn simply shocked by inherent reactions to the stimulation of the collective unconscious and a personally allowing themselves to fall vulnerable to a technique that allows us to access a communicative state with these archaic archetypes. Through vocal encouragement, we observe which ones are distressed or strong. A primordial away of externalizing a component of our unconscious that would otherwise be a kaleidoscopic jargon. Which is why it cannot be accessed through academic or scientific method but by using a faceless, personal-less but universal sounds that we are all capable of emitting.
Relating back to a past post, about communication without words, for these feelings are not words or explainable but these are entities without intellectual or physical disposition. The awakening of dormant universal soul one might say…

With this knowledge I am keen to explore my ‘human’ rather than my rational person. Although fearful of being to aware of my instincts in the process, as the will fall victim to rationality with knowledge of my observations. I am excited to learn more about how this works and its correlations with biology and psychology but am afraid I’ll learn my own ability to naturally practice and present the work.
Which also means I require a balance between being vulnerable to the work whilst I am in it, and then dissecting my experience after. I’ll get there. Work like this is fascinating because I feel as though I’m unstitching another little piece of life’s mystery. And wonder. It will make me more aware of poetry and art in life so that I a perhaps may be inspired to translated to the theatre.

I never  understood those people who took marvelous magical moments and dismissed them as ‘coincidence’. It’s just sad.
If we have two options, to believe a) that synchronicity and wonder that we experience is just coincidence or b) that the (if I may quote my favourite author) ‘The marvelous is just another aspect of the real?’
Why would you not choose the later?

Ruby and I are preparing a scene for our notes to self that has no text, just natural sounds that could imply a thought.
It makes you realize how dependent we are on words. However words are often that falsest and least compelling form of communication because they usually juxtapose how one is truly feeling.
Words masquerade, disguise, and glorify ideas or identities. Words can transform you into another person if delivered with a conscious implication.
Words will always be poetry, a form of art and not naturalism with metaphors and allusions as there will always be another truth behind them. A double meaning dormant in ones self.
Words will always be the artistic choice of the intellectual, not the human.
I’ve been struggling to find a naturalistic quality in that scene because I can’t use my vocabulary to blatantly state how I’m feeling. I cannot easily convince the audience of my state, therefore I have to work much harder on my body language, the intonation and intention behind the sounds I make, and to not make ‘almost words’ - kind of like Mr. Bean - because I’m at a loss and don’t know how else to communicate.
Funny how our shows theme revolves around challenges in communication and I as a performer and writer of it am struggling with communication whilst I am acting it.
It simply means I need to be more engaged with my self and my 360 realm. I need to think of all of the physical connotations of my movements and how that speaks. Those movements must be clear and intentionally supported or else they become muddled. It means I need to use the voice, not the spoken word voice, but human responsive sounds as a amplification of my internal conflicts.
Grunts, sighs, screams, moans, laughter etc.
These sounds happen constantly in our daily speech but we never acknowledge them, so they become the missing element in a lot of performances. Sudden a performance feels too crisp and flawless because the actors are only using words and forget those reactive instinctive sounds that we generate, like the salt in a meal. Presentationally and ingredient wise the meal is flawless but there’s just something missing. That last little punch of flavor.
I am taking note now of when I make sounds, not too become too aware of it but to understand better how often I grunt instead of speak/express myself with a vocal whimsicality.
I feel like it occurs either when thoughts stall or move faster that the mouth can shape words. Anyway, understanding how and when it happens will also lend itself towards how I then use my voice, not words, on stage and colour my character and it’s text with impulsive but natural nuances.

That’s another wonderful thing about voice - it reacquaints you with the internal resonators, stimulator’s, and organs that become vulnerable when the body and mind is consumed by an emotion.
Working on what we externally project when one is dwelling in a private and grand emotional state will not always result in something genuine. Again, the external components of communication (facial expressions, words) are there to protect our backs and disguise the true feelings we have. Which affect us far more internally. Voice stimulates these emotions because it is the only tool that is weightless, accessible, and strong enough to touch all of these emotional sounding boards within our shell.
Why does my stomach flip when I’m nervous? Why does my chest compress when I’m scared? When does my diaphragm knot when I am romantically interested in someone? They are the true sources of emotion. These centers when effected by external circumstance are what make the mind question and rationalize whats going on - to then tell the face to express it or hide it.

Pessimism and judgemental observation by a group is enlivening and addictive. Regardless if ones ethics snub such behaviour, the mob mentality denotes its sovereignty even upon the strongest of moral acquisition. It is exhausting to not only focus on reading the level of distress in the group, assessing the severity issue, swiftly rearranging ones pillar of ethical perspective and then landing a one liner that will crown you king.
Horrible, but in many ways such behaviour makes you an unbiased opinionator, a rapid thinker, a social sleuth, and a shape shifter. All fine qualities to have as a person who aims to have reputable status in life and business. But the guilt when given head space to reflect on ones hypocritical interjections signals that it is unjust to behave in such a way.

I shape shifted throughout high school and was constantly repositioning my opinion and alliances in order to have status and a clean appeal. But my trail and loose ends caught up with me. Once a single person finds a snag in your quilt it effortlessly falls apart and you are left wondering how you lost everything so quickly.
But this is also a learning curve, and while it was one of the most emotionally damning experiences of my life (because it wasn’t something I HAD to deal with, I brought it upon myself) my first instinct was to swindle my way out of it, rather than choosing the clean route of apologies and times healing hand.
But alas that is what I did.
Now when I see other’s still practicing the same form of social espionage I feel pity, because the glory of cracking codes, wearing disguises can only last so long. It’s upon two peoples cross examining of stories that don’t aline properly that one is then unmasked.
And I want to say stop, but they need to fall. I needed to fall and I feel much stronger because of it now. I’ve grown accustomed to holding my toung and watching as a third party. In ways I feel much more powerful as the silent observer then the ‘highly intellectual commentator”, in this silly game of  “who can make the deepest, psycho analytical, most critical observation.” I have better friends and have come to learn who my truest friends were after I waited for the storm I made to settle. They forgave me, even after all I had done, and treated me with the same love and compassion as before.
There’s a lot of people in the world, it’s worth holding true to ones values and meeting like minded people then exhausting yourself in the game of it all.
Old story.
But story of my life non the less.

I have a need to be surrounded by people, or to feel as busy as the tide that city traffic see saws in. I am restless when I am still. Perhaps it is a fear of succumbing to dormant tension; a strained muscle doomed to work in order to remain optimistic and in ignorance of the truth
Which is that I am tired.
Although I’ve come to conclude that I will always be tired. And that it is redundant to deprecate the matter as it is a genetic code to the heart of this lifestyle. It is no longer about ridding stress but learning to deal with it as a knew energy.
We eat so we can burn the proteins and carbohydrates to produce energy.
It is the same when we are artistically stimulated or are required to be in order to participate in an artistic community.
Your ideas and your process are food, without proper transformation of them into material or into practice one becomes sluggish, cluttered, anxious, and depressed. The same way feng shui and the reorganization of a home can foster a new energy, organization of the artistic mind and the constant pursuit of process and production can rest a worried soul.
Outlets are everywhere.
Whether it is to write, draw, move, paint, record, design, cook.
It is one thing for the artistic to travel and explore but it means nothing and is only extra baggage if those self counseling experiences are not arsenal for work.
Today I am in a cafe in princess square writing because the clutter in my mind is damaging the caliber of work I aspire to produce at the conservatoire.
It begins with writing for me and always will. It is my solace and my pivot of conversation between the me and all the other me’s. Perhaps a point where I am detach myself and be my organic self for a bit. And truly reflect without self bias.

Everyone has babies here.
It’s so bizarre…
I know I don’t want a family because it feels like just another thing to disorganize my life. It’s selfish, but it’s selfish to commit to a unit if you simply do not have the patience or audacity to yet. Everyone suffers.
Maybe one day, but I’m so far from even considering it.